Warning - my verbal filters have never been very good, and I tend to talk about impolite things. Those are usually the most interesting to me (and to most people, even if they won't admit it in public).
You already know this about me, so you should [correctly] interpret this warning as something especially noteworthy.
Quick-ish [random] thought of the day:
Germans (and Austrians) tend to have quite a reputation for excellent forethought and execution in engineering. This is not news - from the times of clockmaking to autos, reality would seem to back this up.
So I'm left wondering (and I remember this from the last time I was here as well) why their bathrooms are so weird. Not wholly incorrect, just... weird.
Don't get me wrong, there are things they've totally gotten right, from the water conservation of a "little flush" and "big flush" buttons, some home bathrooms even having a urinal for men. And let's not forget the cool towel racks that HEAT YOUR TOWELS in the winter. They're almost standard in every place we've been to, even apartments.
But yet, there are cracks (*snicker*) in the other aspects of their bathrooms. Why, pray tell, would all of the light switches to the bathroom be on the OUTSIDE of the bathroom?!? This is a 10-year-old boy's dream if he has a sibling - just keep turning the lights off on them. Nothing they can do about it! It's not like this is a pattern that exists for any other room, only the bathroom. It's such a strong convention that I have yet to see a bathroom with light switches on the inside of the room.
Also, the toilets. They're quite nice. But they suffer from one of two primary design flaws:
1). the drain hole is "backwards", or
2). it's in the proper place, but what seems like A Very Far Way Down Indeed.
Each of these has its unique and disturbing flaws, that I'd like to now discuss to the point of total gross awkwardness. You have been warned.
Let's start with the grossest first. So in some of the toilets, the "hole" is in the front. No problem, you say to yourself - must be a cultural thing. But then you notice that it smells. A LOT. At that point, you discover (with varying degrees of horror) the source of the smell. Not surprisingly, it's you, and specifically what you've just gone to the "private room of defecation" for. (it ain't like you're taking a bath in the bathroom for 95% of your visits there, right?) What you didn't expect in this whole tragic saga is that the "hole" was not only in the front, but in the back there's an above-water "shelf". Exactly why this shelf exists is beyond me - I thought it was common knowledge that humans can't smell underwater. Which is why we strive to get that shit (pun intended) underwater ASAP. But this shelf seems specifically - nay, DIABOLICALLY - designed to make your visit brief and fairly embarrassing. If anyone has details on this subject of great import, I'd love to hear more. Because for a society so steeped in efficiency, intelligence, and engineering, they seriously fucked this one up.
So, for the less-gross, but still entirely awkward design flaw of "Holy crap, that's a LONG WAY DOWN", I'll just say that combining the earth's gravitational acceleration of 9.8 meters / second ^ 2 with the fact that no bathrooms have a fan to make distracting white noise, it's all I can do to resist shouting out "YOU JUST SANK MY BATTLESHIP!" (in a hacked up fake British Admiralty accent, of course). Not even a little bit discreet. Nein.
So it appears you get to either sound like shit or smell like shit. And potentially in the dark.
I think (?) I know which one I prefer. How about you?
I need photos of the hole & the shelf, please. Nichol
ReplyDeleteha!
DeleteAs far as the lights - that is standard in "older" buildings, but most that have been built within the past 20-30(?) years have the switch on the inside. We do, at least, and our place was built 18 years ago. As to the design of "shit on a shelf" (as it is commonly referred to) or the deep dark hole - yeah, I've never gotten that one either. I can only imagine, given the Austrian/German obsession with regularity, that they wanted to be able to visually control their output, and the design uses exponentially less water than the classic american system.
ReplyDeleteExcellent! Thanks for the insights from a native :) Yeah, the American system uses a LOT of water, although we've thankfully made a lot of progress with the low-output flushing in recent years (4L? Still more than a composting system would use)
DeleteI agree, photos would be helpful for this one :)
ReplyDeleteBecause I have an untarnished reputation for being a highly refined individual, I shall use as many euphemisms as needed in my comments on this sensitive subject.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I used a European style toilet, I literally jumped to the side when I flushed because my dump appeared to be coming directly at me at a high rate of speed. Have you also noticed that there is almost always a toilet brush handy? That's because skid marks are unavoidable and it's considered very rude to not obliterate them.
Addressing the "shelf" question, Wise Willy, my constantly inebriated Austrian cohort, explained the long forgotten reason for its existence. It's there so you can inspect your business to see if you have a parasite or two; it's hard to do that when your do-do is doing the backstroke in the pool. In the U.S., doctors give us a stick and a container and ask us to spear one of the Baby Ruths and put a sample in a bottle so a lab technician can determine if your large intestine is inhabited by unfriendly critters. Europeans save a lot of time and money with their do-it-yourself toilet shelf system.
Wonder no longer.
Pete
Pete! Your reputation remains, to this day, untarnished and unquestionably refined :)
DeleteYes, I've heard the stories about poonamis as well - thankfully haven't experienced one first-hand yet, as it were.
A friend of mine got curious and used teh googles. Check this out - you and Willy are correct, sir! Evidently, no matter how unique I think I am, I am usually not the first one to wonder the things I wonder.
http://www.asecular.com/~scott/misc/toilet.htm